Cope
Post-trauma crazy potatoes
I could be home wallowing in self-pity right now. What better way to address the 6+ years I spent in a relationship with someone that did not respect, love, or care for me? Granted, he did do things for me and buy me things, but all of those gestures and gifts surely went down the drain when someone abused their right to be in my life.
I’m not going to say post-divorce isn’t stressful. It’s very stressful trying to manage overwhelming emotions due to the past, take care of today’s business all the while trying to stay positive enough to pursue a future. I can admit that there are days when I really do want to just wiggle my nose like Samantha, or snap my fingers and make everyone around me disappear because I am just tired of it all. It really is disappointing to know that I’m just not that magical.
It’s not only that I feel stress. I’m sure that it comes out in my daily interactions with other people. This isn’t a guess; I’ve witnessed it myself, choking back regret immediately after the unfortunate outbursts happen. It really isn’t that I’m walking around punching people in the face. I must admit that I think about doing that. Maybe like Braveheart when his wife dies and he goes and kills everyone? No? Okay, I guess it's really not the same (maybe not even a solid reference since Mel Gibson really is nuts). Even so, I often think it would be nice if there was a giant sign above my head that reads, ‘Recently endured severely damaging and destructive life events. In recovery! If acting crazy, don’t be alarmed! This is normal!’ Instead I end up babbling through a whole heap of apologies for stupid things I’ve done at nearly the end of every week toward people that are least on my list of the people I would ever want to fight with.
Lighter potatoes
To avoid a total meltdown I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I’ve heard that is the only way to get through traumatic life events. I will tell you that in my opinion: Busy = sucks. The reason I say this is because all I want to do is sit in the corner of my apartment, stare at the wall and be upset. The thing that keeps me from doing this is that I don’t want to be left there. Life isn’t going to pause while I sit in my upset corner. It’s going to move forward and if I sit there I might miss it.
I do have concerns day to day that while I am interacting with others in my busy-ness I fear they might get a clear glimpse of the conflicting emotions in my soul, but for whatever reason I somehow manage to say, “Forget that emotion nonsense. I’m not letting that get me down.” And I keep moving.
I am hoping that one day I will get past all of this. I hope that one day I won’t have to think about keeping busy and living life will just be a normal occasion with no underlining reason as to why I’m even living it with the exception that it’s absolutely wonderful to enjoy one’s life. I hope that the sorrow from the past can be blinding by the brilliance of the present. I hope my son’s life evolves beautifully because I am working so hard.
I guess that’s what makes the ‘now’ even possible. Cope = Hope.
