Cope
Post-trauma crazy potatoes
I could be home wallowing in self-pity right now. What better way to address the 6+ years I spent in a relationship with someone that did not respect, love, or care for me? Granted, he did do things for me and buy me things, but all of those gestures and gifts surely went down the drain when someone abused their right to be in my life.
I’m not going to say post-divorce isn’t stressful. It’s very stressful trying to manage overwhelming emotions due to the past, take care of today’s business all the while trying to stay positive enough to pursue a future. I can admit that there are days when I really do want to just wiggle my nose like Samantha, or snap my fingers and make everyone around me disappear because I am just tired of it all. It really is disappointing to know that I’m just not that magical.
It’s not only that I feel stress. I’m sure that it comes out in my daily interactions with other people. This isn’t a guess; I’ve witnessed it myself, choking back regret immediately after the unfortunate outbursts happen. It really isn’t that I’m walking around punching people in the face. I must admit that I think about doing that. Maybe like Braveheart when his wife dies and he goes and kills everyone? No? Okay, I guess it's really not the same (maybe not even a solid reference since Mel Gibson really is nuts). Even so, I often think it would be nice if there was a giant sign above my head that reads, ‘Recently endured severely damaging and destructive life events. In recovery! If acting crazy, don’t be alarmed! This is normal!’ Instead I end up babbling through a whole heap of apologies for stupid things I’ve done at nearly the end of every week toward people that are least on my list of the people I would ever want to fight with.
Lighter potatoes
To avoid a total meltdown I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I’ve heard that is the only way to get through traumatic life events. I will tell you that in my opinion: Busy = sucks. The reason I say this is because all I want to do is sit in the corner of my apartment, stare at the wall and be upset. The thing that keeps me from doing this is that I don’t want to be left there. Life isn’t going to pause while I sit in my upset corner. It’s going to move forward and if I sit there I might miss it.
I do have concerns day to day that while I am interacting with others in my busy-ness I fear they might get a clear glimpse of the conflicting emotions in my soul, but for whatever reason I somehow manage to say, “Forget that emotion nonsense. I’m not letting that get me down.” And I keep moving.
I am hoping that one day I will get past all of this. I hope that one day I won’t have to think about keeping busy and living life will just be a normal occasion with no underlining reason as to why I’m even living it with the exception that it’s absolutely wonderful to enjoy one’s life. I hope that the sorrow from the past can be blinding by the brilliance of the present. I hope my son’s life evolves beautifully because I am working so hard.
I guess that’s what makes the ‘now’ even possible. Cope = Hope.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Arranging the Coping Circle – ‘How To’
Most of us have a strong desire for community and it’s a natural feeling to want to have community with those closest to us when we have experienced, or are going through a traumatic event. What if our needs aren’t being met by those close to us? What if the people that are closest to us or have known us the longest aren’t pulling through and we’re left feeling as though we’re fighting for attention?
The important thing to understand is that the people that are closest to you that have also experienced, or witnessed the trauma might not be available to help you heal your wounds. This is especially true if the trauma is a new experience (nothing like this has ever happened to them before). It can take a significant amount of time for each individual to work out their feelings, thoughts and emotions before they feel 100% healthy, happy and ready to move forward with the relationship between the both of you again.
It shouldn’t be a feeling of worry to let people that are close to you work out their own thoughts regarding trauma. If you know that’s what they’re doing, then that is what is best for them and you should try to seek support elsewhere to get your needs met. Counseling, or support groups are a good option. People that are not emotionally connected to traumatic events, and are not dealing with stress themselves, will have an easier time being supportive to you and offering you time to help you sort out your feelings.
With any difficult life experience there are often strong emotions that follow. Sometimes emotions can be sporadic and unpredictable. This could be a reaction to the brain trying to adjust post-trauma. Exercise can help level the unpredictability of feeling overwhelmed or the extra level of stress that can set in.
The most difficult part of dealing with any type of difficult/traumatic event is the amount of time that needs to pass to feel that everything is 'right' again. Sometimes, the time is known and more often it is not known. The most important thing you can do is stay as healthy as possible and choose a good routine that helps you to heal and this includes carefully choosing who is helping you in your healing process.
*Remember, those around you might be trying to deal with their own coping process. Let them and give them the room to recover, however long that might take. If everyone does their best to work through it chances are you will meet on the other side of the lake of recovery eventually. Keep your head up. Have hope. Be patient with yourself and with others. This is life.
The important thing to understand is that the people that are closest to you that have also experienced, or witnessed the trauma might not be available to help you heal your wounds. This is especially true if the trauma is a new experience (nothing like this has ever happened to them before). It can take a significant amount of time for each individual to work out their feelings, thoughts and emotions before they feel 100% healthy, happy and ready to move forward with the relationship between the both of you again.
It shouldn’t be a feeling of worry to let people that are close to you work out their own thoughts regarding trauma. If you know that’s what they’re doing, then that is what is best for them and you should try to seek support elsewhere to get your needs met. Counseling, or support groups are a good option. People that are not emotionally connected to traumatic events, and are not dealing with stress themselves, will have an easier time being supportive to you and offering you time to help you sort out your feelings.
With any difficult life experience there are often strong emotions that follow. Sometimes emotions can be sporadic and unpredictable. This could be a reaction to the brain trying to adjust post-trauma. Exercise can help level the unpredictability of feeling overwhelmed or the extra level of stress that can set in.
The most difficult part of dealing with any type of difficult/traumatic event is the amount of time that needs to pass to feel that everything is 'right' again. Sometimes, the time is known and more often it is not known. The most important thing you can do is stay as healthy as possible and choose a good routine that helps you to heal and this includes carefully choosing who is helping you in your healing process.
*Remember, those around you might be trying to deal with their own coping process. Let them and give them the room to recover, however long that might take. If everyone does their best to work through it chances are you will meet on the other side of the lake of recovery eventually. Keep your head up. Have hope. Be patient with yourself and with others. This is life.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Meet Me, Love Me, Please Don't Let Go
Chelsea Rogers peered out between the cold, metal bars onto the concrete floor. The light was off again in the basement dictating the long hours of night. As she began to shiver she pulled her one, thin blanket over her legs trying to warm herself as she began to uncontrollably shake trying to meet her small body’s desire for warmth.
When the morning came Chelsea could not remember sleeping, but now she had to go to the bathroom and when no one came to remember her, she peed on herself in hopes that someone might come to clean her up soon, but more often than not soon never came.
You see, Chelsea Rogers did not have a bed, a mother’s hug or a nice warm meal. Chelsea was kept in the basement of her parent’s home in a 2x3 dog cage. It is even presumed that the cage may have been smaller.
When I think about what Chelsea’s parents did to her I think that she is going to need to do a lot of work and invest a lot of time to heal in order to find herself in a healthy place from such an awful, violating past. I wonder who is going to love her and who is going to understand that sometimes she’s going to feel fear, find it hard to trust and find it, harder still, to know what love really feels like. Wouldn’t it be amazing though if someone could see Chelsea, understand her pain and love her in spite of it all?
I think most of us want to be loved. I think a lot of us are afraid to find where love will meet us because we have been hurt, or wronged by someone that should have loved us but didn’t. We wait still and the longer we wait the more it hurts when no one finds us and sometimes, the more lost without love we become.
I remember meeting someone once that told me he was not sure that ever having love was important to him. He was a self-made millionaire, handsome and seemed to have it all. He was also recently separated from his wife who he fought for only to have her ungratefully leave and try to take everything they had earned together as a family. It was obvious to me that David was deeply hurt by her.
David and I enjoyed some time together during a vacation away from home last fall near a beautiful beach. Lying on the beach one afternoon he turned to me and said he wanted to share something, but didn’t know how to say it. I told him that he could trust me. He turned to me and said that he felt loved. I was very surprised. Although David had said he wasn’t sure if love was important to him, I found it revealing that it was important enough to him to disclose the feeling of love in that moment.
I think there is a place inside of all of us where we want to be loved. For some, there is a nested desire for someone to reach deep into us and love the best and the worst places of our being. We wish for someone to wrap their arms around every inch of who we are and what is important to us. We need someone that will accept that sometimes we will fail and sometimes we will be afraid. We need someone that won’t give up. We need a hug. We need love.
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality.” – Viktor Frankl
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost
1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
“If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, and real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue." - Nagarjuna
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield,
but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling Your mercy in my success alone;
But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure.”
by Rabindranath Tagore
When the morning came Chelsea could not remember sleeping, but now she had to go to the bathroom and when no one came to remember her, she peed on herself in hopes that someone might come to clean her up soon, but more often than not soon never came.
You see, Chelsea Rogers did not have a bed, a mother’s hug or a nice warm meal. Chelsea was kept in the basement of her parent’s home in a 2x3 dog cage. It is even presumed that the cage may have been smaller.
When I think about what Chelsea’s parents did to her I think that she is going to need to do a lot of work and invest a lot of time to heal in order to find herself in a healthy place from such an awful, violating past. I wonder who is going to love her and who is going to understand that sometimes she’s going to feel fear, find it hard to trust and find it, harder still, to know what love really feels like. Wouldn’t it be amazing though if someone could see Chelsea, understand her pain and love her in spite of it all?
I think most of us want to be loved. I think a lot of us are afraid to find where love will meet us because we have been hurt, or wronged by someone that should have loved us but didn’t. We wait still and the longer we wait the more it hurts when no one finds us and sometimes, the more lost without love we become.
I remember meeting someone once that told me he was not sure that ever having love was important to him. He was a self-made millionaire, handsome and seemed to have it all. He was also recently separated from his wife who he fought for only to have her ungratefully leave and try to take everything they had earned together as a family. It was obvious to me that David was deeply hurt by her.
David and I enjoyed some time together during a vacation away from home last fall near a beautiful beach. Lying on the beach one afternoon he turned to me and said he wanted to share something, but didn’t know how to say it. I told him that he could trust me. He turned to me and said that he felt loved. I was very surprised. Although David had said he wasn’t sure if love was important to him, I found it revealing that it was important enough to him to disclose the feeling of love in that moment.
I think there is a place inside of all of us where we want to be loved. For some, there is a nested desire for someone to reach deep into us and love the best and the worst places of our being. We wish for someone to wrap their arms around every inch of who we are and what is important to us. We need someone that will accept that sometimes we will fail and sometimes we will be afraid. We need someone that won’t give up. We need a hug. We need love.
“Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality.” – Viktor Frankl
“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost
1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
“If there is love, there is hope that one may have real families, real brotherhood, real equanimity, and real peace. If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue." - Nagarjuna
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield,
but to my own strength.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but hope for the patience to win my freedom.
Grant that I may not be a coward,
feeling Your mercy in my success alone;
But let me find the grasp of Your hand in my failure.”
by Rabindranath Tagore
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Potato Friends: It's Nice for Someone to Make You Feel Nice
There are some people that want you to feel terrible. Life should be work and there is nothing fun about it. Well, I don't know about you, but I really enjoy feeling good and it is quite the reward to end each day with a smile on my face.
I spend some time answering Yahoo Questions. I know, a silly pasttime, but I do like it quite a bit. I particularly enjoy answering questions in the Family and Relationships column. The NUMBER ONE question of teens: Should I Remain in this Relationship? This question doesn't just mean friendship. It means parent to child, boyfriend to girlfriend, mentor to mentee, or any relationship under the sun.
Some people spend a lot of time complaining about others and the way they treat them and make them feel. My question for these people is always: Why do you continue to spend time with this person when the result is always the same? It's not going to get any better.
It really amazes me how many people don't know how to have a healthy relationship, or what one should even look like. Let me share what I believe a healthy relationship to be:
- In a healthy relationship your friend, partner etc. will support you and try to bring out the best in you.
- There is no yelling.
- You will feel like you benefit from being a part of it.
- You will feel like for the growth of the relationship the sky is the limit.
In my opinion there should not be any walking away feeling sad, or needing to please another person in order for them to be happy. Your partner in the relationship should be contented with themselves and should be contented with you being yourself (unless you are unhealthy, or are doing illegal stuff, please seek help).
If the people that are closest to you are making you feel sad try finding some friends that you feel glad to be around. When you find the right kind of people you will know it because you will feel glad to be around each other and there won't be any silly questions like: Should I put up with this?, or Should I stick around?
Personally, I will be smiling when I sleep tonight because of the nice-feeling relationships I have and OH - It feels so nice to say that!
I spend some time answering Yahoo Questions. I know, a silly pasttime, but I do like it quite a bit. I particularly enjoy answering questions in the Family and Relationships column. The NUMBER ONE question of teens: Should I Remain in this Relationship? This question doesn't just mean friendship. It means parent to child, boyfriend to girlfriend, mentor to mentee, or any relationship under the sun.
Some people spend a lot of time complaining about others and the way they treat them and make them feel. My question for these people is always: Why do you continue to spend time with this person when the result is always the same? It's not going to get any better.
It really amazes me how many people don't know how to have a healthy relationship, or what one should even look like. Let me share what I believe a healthy relationship to be:
- In a healthy relationship your friend, partner etc. will support you and try to bring out the best in you.
- There is no yelling.
- You will feel like you benefit from being a part of it.
- You will feel like for the growth of the relationship the sky is the limit.
In my opinion there should not be any walking away feeling sad, or needing to please another person in order for them to be happy. Your partner in the relationship should be contented with themselves and should be contented with you being yourself (unless you are unhealthy, or are doing illegal stuff, please seek help).
If the people that are closest to you are making you feel sad try finding some friends that you feel glad to be around. When you find the right kind of people you will know it because you will feel glad to be around each other and there won't be any silly questions like: Should I put up with this?, or Should I stick around?
Personally, I will be smiling when I sleep tonight because of the nice-feeling relationships I have and OH - It feels so nice to say that!
Monday, April 18, 2011
BIG POTATO! Keep Childhood Alive and Well!
Okay, I know I already posted today, but I have something that I feel is important swimming around in my head and I feel that it would be a TOTAL CRIME not to post it.
I have a son, Nicolas, who is 3 years old. When I look at his sweet face I often think about how I hope that I don't screw up his childhood the way I feel mine was washed down the toilet.
1. YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO BE CHILDREN
Children are not adults. Their brains are still forming and are learning how to function. When you fight in front of your kids you are breaking apart their health and are causing their brain to be sent messages that may cause them emotional instability and distress for the rest of their life.
2. YOUR CHILDREN AREN'T ADULTS AND THE ADULT DISCUSSION SHOULD BE LEFT TO ADULTS
When you discuss adult issues with your children that are too large for them to understand they could interalize it and try to carry the weight themselves leading to depression. Children are NOT adults and they just don't have the capability to compartmentalize the way adults do. Almost always, it's better to deal with adult issues behind closed doors. If the door can't be closed, or if the damage is already done, PLEASE - get your child into counseling immediately!!!! Safety is key and protecting your child from any future damage is imparative.
3. TRY TO CONTROL THE OUTBURSTS OF DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR/YELLING/FIGHTING
If there is a parent in the home with an anger issue you would be surprised as to how deeply that can affect your child. Get that person into counseling, or get your child away from that person for their own safety.
I AM A PRIME EXAMPLE. Please, allow me to share.
CAUSE: My dad does not keep his cool over certain things. There are triggers around sometimes (conversation, what's on TV, etc.) that can set him off. My dad will go into a rage until someone makes him leave, or he has a walk to calm down.
My parents also fought in front of me when I was a kid....a lot.
EFFECT: Today, as the result of being around so much anger and disfunction, I have a hard time keeping my own cool. Sometimes I will feel really, really mad. When I feel this way I often have to sit alone and have a nervous breakdown, crying uncontrollably, or I get in a fight with someone about something stupid. Sometimes, it's both. I also have a lot of anxiety and I have a hard time expressing myself correctly in certain situations.
I am happy to say that it used to be much, much worse and I have been able to work through a lot of issues but not without a lot of (sometimes confusing) counseling.
********************
Listen, I know I'm not a doctor. I'm not your boss and I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm only saying that based on my own personal experience it's better to try to do good by our kids what was not once done well for us. If you're not sure what to do, or if what you're doing is right, I would encourage you to read some books about childhood development. Right now I'm reading a book called "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson. He also has a book out about raising girls.
I would also encourage you to seek out several sources of information. We live in the internet age and there is a rainbow of information out there. Try to find out the facts and use your own deductive reasoning. God gave you a brain, after all!
With so many social problems in America this is a BIG POTATO and I hope you're listening. Take care of your Children. They are our future and your legacy.
<3
I have a son, Nicolas, who is 3 years old. When I look at his sweet face I often think about how I hope that I don't screw up his childhood the way I feel mine was washed down the toilet.
1. YOUR CHILDREN NEED TO BE CHILDREN
Children are not adults. Their brains are still forming and are learning how to function. When you fight in front of your kids you are breaking apart their health and are causing their brain to be sent messages that may cause them emotional instability and distress for the rest of their life.
2. YOUR CHILDREN AREN'T ADULTS AND THE ADULT DISCUSSION SHOULD BE LEFT TO ADULTS
When you discuss adult issues with your children that are too large for them to understand they could interalize it and try to carry the weight themselves leading to depression. Children are NOT adults and they just don't have the capability to compartmentalize the way adults do. Almost always, it's better to deal with adult issues behind closed doors. If the door can't be closed, or if the damage is already done, PLEASE - get your child into counseling immediately!!!! Safety is key and protecting your child from any future damage is imparative.
3. TRY TO CONTROL THE OUTBURSTS OF DISFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR/YELLING/FIGHTING
If there is a parent in the home with an anger issue you would be surprised as to how deeply that can affect your child. Get that person into counseling, or get your child away from that person for their own safety.
I AM A PRIME EXAMPLE. Please, allow me to share.
CAUSE: My dad does not keep his cool over certain things. There are triggers around sometimes (conversation, what's on TV, etc.) that can set him off. My dad will go into a rage until someone makes him leave, or he has a walk to calm down.
My parents also fought in front of me when I was a kid....a lot.
EFFECT: Today, as the result of being around so much anger and disfunction, I have a hard time keeping my own cool. Sometimes I will feel really, really mad. When I feel this way I often have to sit alone and have a nervous breakdown, crying uncontrollably, or I get in a fight with someone about something stupid. Sometimes, it's both. I also have a lot of anxiety and I have a hard time expressing myself correctly in certain situations.
I am happy to say that it used to be much, much worse and I have been able to work through a lot of issues but not without a lot of (sometimes confusing) counseling.
********************
Listen, I know I'm not a doctor. I'm not your boss and I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm only saying that based on my own personal experience it's better to try to do good by our kids what was not once done well for us. If you're not sure what to do, or if what you're doing is right, I would encourage you to read some books about childhood development. Right now I'm reading a book called "Bringing Up Boys" by James Dobson. He also has a book out about raising girls.
I would also encourage you to seek out several sources of information. We live in the internet age and there is a rainbow of information out there. Try to find out the facts and use your own deductive reasoning. God gave you a brain, after all!
With so many social problems in America this is a BIG POTATO and I hope you're listening. Take care of your Children. They are our future and your legacy.
<3
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